HIZASHI

if this is making you click right now, there's a high possibility that you've got to get some sleep : )

Seine hand ist klein und rau als sie nach meiner greift und sie feste drueckt. Es ist kein festhalten im sinne von "damit du bloss keinen scheiss baust" sondern es ist ein festhalten, als braeuchte er genau das gerade jetzt und hier in diesem moment. Er tut betrunkener als er ist, als er nun beide unsere haende an seinem oberkoerper entlang nach unten fuehrt. Er drueckt mir seinen schwanz in die hand, er ist leicht erregt. Einen moment verweile ich bevor ich meine hand aus seiner loese, seinen schwanz zurechtruecke und wieder in seiner unterhose verstaue...es faellt mir schwer - er ist eine absolute brettsau - aber ich will das was sich natuerlich anfuehlt nicht kaputt machen. Ich nehme ihn in den arm, die eine hand umschliesst seine brust, die andere auf der sein kopf liegt ist ausgestreckt. Seine hand findet wieder meine hand und sein koerper entspannt sich. Es fuehlt sich an wie naehe, maennliche naehe die umso naeher wirkt da wir uns nicht kennen. Bis vor zwei minuten war ich mir sicher dass er ein absoluter grauzonenloser hetero ist...ich bin mir nicht mehr so sicher, jetzt wo die bilder meiner ersten erzwungener erfahrung auf meinem inneren bildschirm auftauchen. Damals wollte ich auch auf teufel komm raus erfahren ob ich es nun bin oder nicht...
Am naechsten morgen sitzt er bei mir im wohnzimmer, wir rauchen trinken kaffee und ich warte darauf dass es irgendwie komisch ist. Er redet ungezwungen ueber dies und jenes, nur nicht ueber das was in der nacht passiert oder nicht passiert ist...er hinterlaesst mir seine nummer und mich hinterlaesst er etwas verdattert - hetenkneten, das haette ich mir nicht zugetraut, und irgendwie macht mich dieser typ ein klitzekleines bisschen verliebt.

When is the real time to accept the truth ? When is it time to wake up and stop playing hide and seek from your own feelings ? When is it time to accept that the pictures you paint in your head are fairy tale candy floss phantasies that give your heart cavity ?

I pictured myself with you, and it was really easy to do so - at least in the beginning. But my mistake was, that I had on the shades of being away from my reality, the holiday-mode I was in altered my perception, getting out of everyday life gave me the boost of "everything is possible"...well, I had to face my life again without the shades.

You'll be hurt, broken even...you'll be wondering why...and I can't really give you an answer to that apart from the fact, that I'd rather screw up what seems right when it does make it "feel right" again. I'm a gutts person...in the end at least. I tried fighting my gutts with my head, tried to sugar talk and also bitch slap myself into giving it at least a try...I even took the long way, the sneaky one of drawing from my ultimate dream of getting to live in New Zealand...didn't make it feel right in my gutts.

This is a brake up letter, that I'm wrighting for you aswell as for me. I don't know whether you remember our first night, when you asked me about the things that I was looking for in a man. Honesty and being brave where part of my speech...In a way I hope that you'll hate me for not giving what I was asking for so you'll get the drive to get me out of your picture and take this oportunity to get a fresh start, a real fresh start in london. No friends, no hubby all new - scary of course...lonely at times, but true and "clean", who knows what it'll be good for ? what might come out of it ?

So for the time when your done hating, done hurting...I want you to know that it was not easy for me to get through to this point. I fought myself - I gave you my word in saying yes when you asked me to be with you, I gave your friends my word to take care of you once you would be in europe, I told my family and friends about you and our plans and it feels like I lose total credibility, I lose trustworthyness, I lack in stamina...but its how it is. I don't want to lose myself, if that means that I'll be chasing other dreams for some more times, let it be so...if that means that I'll be back to the unglamourous side of single-life bring it on, if that means waking up one day hitting myself for letting you go...at the moment I know that I won't be able to pull it through with you.

I spared you the truth since you were already up to your sleeves in packing up and saying your good byes. It was at a point where everything was arranged and to late for you to turn around on your heels and cancle the whole thing. I don't know what would have been the fair way to deal with it - tell you and give you a chance to stay in sydney while taking away this opportunity to begin a new chapter in london due to emotional wrackage...or was it fair to keep you on the track, let you know in person, give it time to settle, give it time to sink in...I'm not so sure anymore, but somewhere I saw a reason for you to come to london - even without myself included.

I wish it wasn't the way it turned out. I wish I'd just be able to brush it all off and keep on making plans with you like we did at the dinner table in byron bay...I know that you are a good man - but not for me.

After returning from Australia it slowly occured to me that I knew this feeling of missing someone. I'd been there before...it took a while for me to realise that the feelings were the same...at the beginning I wasn't bothered by that - having the same "i miss you" feelings for you like for the other person in my life just showed how "in love" i was I thought at first...it only slowly dawned on me that the feelings hadn't changed at all...the closer the date got with you comming to london, the stronger the feeling of missing someone became. I tried to fight them back, thought I was brave by doing so...bye letting you know that everything was ok...I thought that being strong could also mean "sparing you the trubel" of my emotional chaos...I don't know wether I was strong or weak - its all depending from what perspection you look at it.

I went to see that person I was missing. I thought give it a try, let reality kick in...there's a reason why this person isn't in your life anymore, you suffered long enough from the outcome to be able to get the ghosts out of your mind...say your good byes and start fresh with Trevor...

Seeing that person made me realise, that I'm so not ready for another lovestory. I have the feeling that - even though I tried to get away from him by travelling around the world twice, by getting myself into all different kind of situations from shutting myself off to the world to letting the whole world getting to me, there's no way I'll get him out of the system the easy way...I'll have to finish the route that I started with him - if he's going to be there or not...

I looked at my situation and asked myself where I'm going. To be with you felt wrong, unfair to you and to me. it would've been half heartedly after figuring out that he's still so present. To go back to him is what a part of me wants to do urgently - only my head says "be careful"..."he screwed you up once, don't let that happen to you again..."