HIZASHI

Alcohol is pumping through my veins, I'm in a dark, trashy gay club that could be anywere in the world - this time its Auckland, K-road. Dodgy people, disgusting music but somehow i need the thumpa thumpa tonight - I'm in one of these moods...it feels like walking wrapped into cotton, my friends have left and I don't really know what I'm doing here but somehow I know that I ought to be here. Its the usual scene, the occasional drunk tries to get lucky by putting up semi original pokerface pickup lines - stepping in to fast, the groping feels desperate and after i've shown them the exit door and they still dont get that i'm not interested i start to feel sorry for them. but - never could fuck somebody i feel sorry for...

I see a face looking at me - i give him the "whats wrong with this place but you seem on the same page like me" look and head out for a cigarette. smoke goes up while i'm squatting down to the floor. i feel dizzy and decide to get my jacket to leave this place, what was i thinking anyway ? as i head back to the corner where i think i left my jacket the guy that seemed normal stops me...i don't get his name at first but abercrombie cologne smells familiar and i give him the brush off that i've used many times before. casual smalltalk already with one foot out the door. but there's something about him...

we talk, head out for another cigarette - gosh i feel drunk, the kind of drunk where you don't feel the boundaries and you say stuff before you even think it. i ask for his position to decide wether I'm going home right now or not - its as easy as that. we seem to be compatible and then we fall into that moment were you know that you're about to kiss. best moments. everything goes into slow mo, music zoomes out, here it comes.

we make our way through the lobby of his hotel, now i know how the occasional guy might have felt when i sneaked him into the hotel...it feels exciting but kinda familiar - escalator kisses, keycard, in we go. the tv is playing music, the room looks like someone prepared for a night out. clothes splattered over the floor, whine glasses and the smell of cologne. i sit on the counter in the bathroom to have a cigarette. leaning back we start to take each others clothes of. this seems to be the first one i'll play with in nz - i tell him that and we do the smart flirtacious talk about what else is a first timer that night. never had a guy that is taller than me for example, but when i open his pants i find out that the stereotype of tall men tall...is a fairy tale...for me it's a good surprise.

he goes down on me, it feels right and we go into the daze - animalistic instinkts, flowing movements, its just enough alcohol thats left in my veins to be open to whatever the night will take us, while still energetic enough to actually go there. in the shower i let the water rinse into my mouth and spit it in his face - i don't know what the point is in doing that, but what the heck...

man sex, older man sex - somehow age seems to have a relaxing influence on guys. he enjoys to play around, finds my spots and gets pleasure out of the moment without being scared to draw the shorter one. playing around we make a mess and i kinda feel sorry for roomservice...

after a while of playing around and a couple of what feels like more first timers we slow it down. no thinking, just being - human again that is. i'm in that stage between being awake and falling asleep when he starts to touch me like you wouldn't expect it from a one night stand. this feels like the kind of sex you have when there are emotions on bord aswell. i let myself go, more for roomservice i think while i'm cuddeling up. dozing off i still feel his hands on my body - i know i should look after him too but sleep already got me in his hands...

as i get up to leave i wait for the awkwardness of saying bye, but i seem to be lucky - older man adieu: "I left my number on the desk - take it if you want" he says in a non freedom threatening way that isn't defensive like i've heard it before. he puts himself out there without losing it. i like that. i leave my contacts and then i leave him...

as i walk through the lobby the morning has already started buzzing. i look the way i feel - sexed up, sleepy and with the same clothes that i was dancing the night away i walk through the door into the sunlight. the uniformed older man that holds the door looks at me - probably thinking i spend the night with a john or something like that...well its kinda like that but totally different i tell him with my eyes, smile and wish him a wonderfull day.